managing

"You can't get many."
Uh, that kind of sentences again.
And I also remembered couple months ago, the other one also said almost the same sentences,
"It is fair, right, between what you lose and what you get."

I completely agree that we cannot get everything we want.
Sure.
But how many we can get, however, is about how good you are in managing it.
But, well, again... there are always many factors that are beyond our control.
And one of them is other people.

tonight's cake

I've just arrived home from an interesting 3 hours conversation tonight with one of my Japanese families.
She is now maybe around forty, but I still can see her spirit to keep studying --really, she is now doing aromatherapy (I smelt more than 20 fragrance tonight so that my nose could not differ smell anymore :p), remembering a lot of plants' name, smell, and restorative power, including reading a thick book of human anatomy and physiology. She stopped working last year to study aromatherapy seriously, and the answer that she wanted to help ill people by mastering this when I commented on her excitement was really touching.

Then came a lot of things to mind.
Can I feverishly give my best to what I do as she does?
Do I really think to dedicate what I do for people's good?

Well. It's time to seek answers.
But however, tonight's sitting in sofa, with tea and cake was just perfect.

memory

Holiday.
Titech entrance exam today.

Yesterday the campus was already in exam atmosphere. Information tents near the main gate, people spreading booklet about housing, and notice to leave campus by 9.00 pm.
It slightly brought me back to four years ago when university entrance exam (we called it UMPTN --national uni entrance exam) was one of the things in my mind mostly. I could remember the feeling of our anxiety --choosing uni, doing try out. It was indeed one of the big things at that time.

One of other big things in my life was in my first few months in Japan --adapting to new life, new campus, new friends, even maybe new point of view. It was somewhat fun, but also tough. Something that I guess now has been transformed to new challenge, giving something different, and leaving special memories.

I think I have good memory of feeling. I write things down on my diary (or sometimes just in my mind) --mostly the date and thing happened, what I thought and felt, that when I read it back, the feeling accompanying it revealed.

----from the sceptic dictionary

1. Memories are constructions made in accordance with present needs, desires, influences, etc.
2. Memories are often accompanied by feelings and emotions.
3. Memory usually involves awareness of the memory. [Schacter 1996]

----

Maybe our global present need is to keep walking as the world always forces us to.
Maybe what does matter is to manage the memory to also fulfill the need.

I sometimes wake my memories up by reading my previous notes, talking, or writing about it.
Because I found that memories --sometimes memories of having passed even tougher time, always brought the feelings and emotions back to make me hold on.

gaijin

"Ssshhhh....."
That noise interrupted our talk on the way home tonight.
"Ssshhhh....."
Ouch, it seemed that it didn't want to give up.
Feeling disturbed, we looked at the source of this noise. 50 years old man.
Shoganai. We then moved to other side of the train. But he intentionally followed us.

Then we, three foreigners -a Korean, a French, and I-, simply ignored him and kept talking until then we heard again,
"Ssshhhh....."
"...doshite sono gaijin ga sonnani urusai naa!!"
(means: why that foreigners are that noisy!!)

"Ssshhhh....."
.....in the train. 9 pm.
Drunk people.
Or maybe it was also one of the realities I saw here that there are still people who don't like foreigners.

Apart from that, life is good.
Japanese people whom I interact to are very nice. I had good farewell party yesterday night in one of YSEP professors' house. I had started working on my final project. It is snowing again tonight.
Nothing can be better.

bored

Bored.
Then I finally walked to the station area.

"Are you sick?"
I coincidentally meet my dorm mates on the way there. --well, I was fine, but I dressed up like I were in the north pole. What I could do, it was raining and just very cold.

"Where have you been? I miss you."
Where I've been? Home. Lab. Here in Tokyo.
But maybe my mind, who has been travelling somewhere else.

Those simple conversations healed the rest of today.
Besides I found good novel today.
And also a box of sushi ^_^

卒論発表

read: sotsuron happyoo
meaning: final presentation

I attended B4 (forth year undergraduate students) sotsuron happyoo (as one of the requirements to graduate) today. Completely different to my home university final presentation, or we call it "sidang tugas akhir". In my home university, one may spend an hour (or even more) for the whole presentation. Three to four lecturers sit in front of you, listening then asking you a bunch of questions almost to every detail. --Actually I don't really know about this, I have just attended my seniors' presentation twice, and I hope that I myself will have experienced this by next year.

In sotsuron happyou today, from 9:00 to 11:44, about 15 students from three different labs (my lab and other two) did the presentation together hosted by one of them. No special place for the professors so that they didn't look like judges ;p Each student did his presentation about his final project in 7 minutes, then next 4 minutes for questions & answers section. It was really like a second, and sometimes the presenter spoke very fast to catch all of what he wanted to say in very short time (there was even a time keeper to ring the bell!)

Different cultures --what culture?!.. work culture? ;)
Maybe that is why that system is applicable here. Well, not really have any idea of the reasons. --I'm waiting for anybody to comment on. So what do you think?

shake!

---

From news today:

A moderate earthquake occurred at 19:46:38 (UTC) on Tuesday, February 15, 2005. The magnitude 5.2 event has been located in EASTERN HONSHU, JAPAN. The hypocentral depth was estimated to be 65 km (41 miles). (This event has been reviewed by a seismologist.)

---

Ooouch..so here it is the earthquake that woke me up at 4.48 this morning. It is reported that the distance of epicentrum from Tokyo is 45 km NNW. No wonder I felt my house shaking pretty hard. I then woke up and got ready if I had to hide under the table and run to the evacuation area. As an-earthquake-high-risk country --it is also said that Kanto daijishin (Kanto area great earthquake) is predicted to occur in these 5 years, Japan anticipates earthquake by building evacuation area in each ward (usually in a wide open air area). Life safety learning is also held almost everywhere, and here are what I learnt about things to do when there is an earthquake:

1. Protect your self --hide under the robust table.

2. Turn off gas as fire is likely to occur following an earthquake --but in Japan, the gas now is automatically turned off when over-5-richter-scale earthquake occurs.

3. Open the door --as your exit to avoid you being trapped in a closed room.

4. Go to the evacuation area --bring your earthquake bag (3 liters water, light food, and clothes)

kabuki

"Are you American?"
"No. I'm Indonesian."
Weird. Do I look like American?

Even more weird when I found out that those who asked me that question were American. I met them in the front of Kabuki theater, when I asked one of them to take me picture as I went down town alone today. That ojiisan (again) sent me Kabuki ticket as he regret my absence on his invitation to come to the Kabuki performance two months ago. Sumo and kabuki are the must-see-Japanese-cultures, I remember he said last time, so that when I received his typical -Japanese style- letter, I know I should put this as high priority.

Kabuki is Japanese traditional drama, dance, and music, that was originally well known in Edo period. All of the actors are men and they will dress up as woman based on the play. The performance ran for four hours, three parts. I could not help keeping my eyes opened in the first two parts because their Japanese were hard to catch and they talked really slow. And the music from koto (Japanese traditional zither) just made my attempts to keep paying attention to the play useless. The last part, fortunately I still had enough spirit to stay there, was the best. No conversations. Just dance and music.The dance arrangement and the stage layout suited each other. the music was more lively with shamisen (Japanese traditional guitar), small taiko (Japanese drum), and song.

Awesome.

Today was just really special. I took the wrong subway to go to the Kabuki theater. Although it was still fine since I still could find station to transfer to the final line to get there --I need to transfer line twice normally but today was only once, I had to pay twice higher because I took the subway from different company. So for those who will experience taking Namboku line or Mita line from Meguro station, be careful as both of them run in the same railway! Meguro station is far smaller than Shinjuku or Shibuya station, but today was the third problems I ever had in this station.

I was wondering whether Tokyo hit zero degree celcius again tonight. It was so cold that it hurt my nails when I was walking down the hill --ya, it is kind of hill from the Fujigaoka station to my dorm. Funny. I found one glove (only one, not a pair) on the way --that was almost surprised me, and one shoe (again, only one, not a pair of shoes) few minutes after.

Anyway. Weekend ends.
Time to go to bed.
To transfer my day dreaming to the real night dreaming :p


*Pics: the Kabuki theather I went today

you've got a friend

For my good friends in YSEP program who are leaving very soon --Romesh, Melissa, Martin, Morten-- and dorm-mate, Alex. And for my friends in the lab who are really nice and helpful to everything, including on making all my days until now in Japan are bearable. Hope you can find a friend in me as I do in all of you.

-----
taken from "You've Got A Friend" --James Taylor

When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
I’ll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you.
Well they’ll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don’t you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you’ve got to do is call.
Lord, I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.
-----

seats in the train

Going to the lab really late today and because of that being able to sit comfortably in the train, I watched people came and got off. I saw that there was a tendency of people choosing the seat next to the door. In Japan, seats in local train are long seat, where 6-7 people can sit in the same seat, facing the other side of the train --and the other long seat--, not facing the way to where the train is going.

I just wondered why this tendency happens.
Even I myself, if it is still not taken, prefer the seat next to the door.
Maybe because there is a holder next to that seat so that I can put my hand, or my head (then sleep peacefully :p).

Or...
it is just because people always need "something" to lay on?

forgiveness

I stupidly missed my station to change train line this morning. I think I have got used to Japanese way to sleep in the train and wake up in the right time :p but well, this morning was an exception. I missed the appointment, which I had really tried not to break it.

Few days ago, one of my friends told me that he is experiencing pretty hard pace in his life.
And somehow I got the impression of what he felt, the same as what I felt today, regret.

Well.. what I tried to do this morning, for I couldn't turn the time back (I would have done it many times if I could!) was just trying to laugh at my stupidity.
But indeed,
to forgive ourselves is more difficult than to forgive somebody else.

But why should we have to be that hard to ourselves?

it was nothing...

till it is something.
I would never know how wrong or how good it was.
It was sin or bless.
Nothing left to regret.

....
it was exactly 5 months ago when I barely could sleep in the plane, thinking of those words.
It was nothing, till it is something.
I never know my future, neither what kind of relationship to people I will have.
But whatever it is,
I know things do change as people do.
Even pathetique moment will be happiness some time in the future.
That indeed,
Nothing left to regret.

PS: for anyone, who thinks those words sound familiar..
when you read this blog, be sure, we are already in many steps forward.
for the better life, I believe.

[I pray for next 7 months to come in Japan,... and for the next next I will never imagine before]

abstract

Nothing really important happened. No special things. Except I had three Japanese exams --when my Japanese instinct is really in low level-- today and ate a lot of salad at lunch, while reading the whole stuff for the Kanji exam. Sat in front of me four friends: Bangladeshi husband and wife (I guess --or somewhere around there), one Japanese, and one Malaysian.

"So how long should your abstract be?"
"..six pages"
"What? six pages?!"
then the man mumbled to his wife, "maybe she just doesn't understand what abstract is.."

I just fell silent, tried to memorize all of the kanji written on my note, while also kept my ears on them.
Nice.
And I miss my friends. So much.